personal agendas

i haven't been blogging much lately. i haven't really felt that i've had anything to say over the past couple of weeks. i have had a lot on my mind, but i either haven't had the words for those thoughts, or they aren't things i would share in this sort of forum. but for those who want something to read on these pages, don't worry, i have at least three or four things on my mind today that i want to blog about (though i probably won't get to most of those tonight - which just means i'll have more to write about later).

on saturday, Jak and i had a day-long prayer retreat to go to for class. i've had many thoughts come through my mind since then, but a new one crossed my mind today in response to that day. i'm wondering if we can go about approaching anything without our personal agenda leading the way, and if so, how.

what would it look like if we were to approach our relationships without our personal agenda getting in the way? would we learn how to truly love the other as ourselves? would we be able to actually see them as another, more than someone we can get something from? could we actually learn to put them first?

okay, reading that probably makes me sound selfish, as if i can barely imagine approaching another person without purely me-centered motives. i don't want to think that's the case, but maybe it is. maybe that's why Jesus talked so much about love, because he knew we had to hear a lot about it just to start getting a glimpse of what it is God wants from us.

but it wasn't my selfishness towards other people that brought these thoughts to mind. i came to think about this while reflecting on my time in prayer with God on saturday. during that time, i realized how difficult it is for me to approach God without bringing in my own agenda. as i talked with God, i found that i just kept wanting to ask to get my way in things. it's very hard to say, as Jesus did, "not my will, but yours be done."

does anyone else struggle so much with this? i mean, i know i'm a fighter. i know i like to have things go my way. i know that i'm incredibly stubborn and hard-headed. but is this simply my nature that causes me to wrestle so much with God in this way, or does everyone do this?

a day of trying to talk with - and hear from - God, caused me to realize how little i'm willing to listen and how much the only thing i want to hear is, well, what i want to hear.

i guess it's just that i've fought with God for so long over so many things, and i'm finally realizing that the fight only continues because i'm unwilling to let God set the agenda. okay, i've known that for a while.

i think the difference now comes from the realization that if i can't put my agenda aside when approaching God - who knows my heart and my intentions better than i do - then i can't expect to be able to honestly come to others and put them first. if i can't put my agenda aside for God, then i can't do that for others, and God calls me to do both.

on saturday, it felt like i got tired of my own agenda, i got tired of the continuous fight with God. i finally - and truly - wanted God's agenda to rule my life. i mean, in the past i've prayed for God's will and not mine to take place in my life, but i think that those words never matched my desires. i'm finally so sick of trying to have things go my way, that i'm finally ready to try setting my agenda aside to hear what God might have to say to me.

in realizing that i put myself first in my relationship with God, i'm seeing that i must do that to a great extent with others, and that behavior is so far from God's desire. now i guess i just have to figure out in what ways i put my personal agenda before others so i can work on learning to set that aside.

i feel like this is the most rambling, directionless post so far on my blog. but, i guess sometimes when we realize big things we don't necessarily have the words to explain it.