Bloodletting

i went to a bookstore for the first time since we moved out here (well, except for a few minutes at a borders in miami while visiting family in january). i usually go to bookstores frequently, and once i enter one, Jak spends hours trying to drag me out of there. i've been known to keep him waiting while i read entire books.

though it's only been about a month since i read Rob Bell's Sex God, it feels like it's been a long time since i've read much of anything, especially anything not related to school. so while at barnes and noble i couldn't help but buy a handful of books. of course, i know i have a long list of books already on my shelf that i've been meaning to read or that i'm partway into (as shown by the list in my sidebar), but there's something i love about buying new books. i love books, and i love to be surrounded by books, and though i have too many on my shelves that i haven't even read yet, it's the one thing i can't seem to resist buying.

lk miwe7vf n <-- that was my cat's addition to the post (i got up for a minute, and i guess she thought she'd share her thoughts).

when i got home with my three new books, i promised myself i wouldn't read them until i was caught up with my schoolwork. but, i was too tired to read anything i'd need to remember last night, so i figured i'd start one as long as i only gave myself time to read recreational reading at times that i wouldn't be studying anyway. as is often the case, once i started the book last night, i didn't put it down until i was done (it was a memoir, so it was a quick and easy read).

the book is Bloodletting by Victoria Leatham. she's an australian author writing about her experiences with depression, bipolar disorder, self-injury (cutting, in particular - hence the title), medications, hospitalizations, and her life in general during her twenties and into her early thirties.

i think i've read enough psychological memoirs that it's become rare for me to find anything that really stands out in any of them (and the ones that try too hard to stand out, tend to contain too many falsehoods - like James Frey's A Million Little Pieces).

this book was easy to read as far as her writing style, although she names so many characters (friends, family members, boyfriends, roommates, employers, therapists, etc.), that it can be hard to keep up with who's who at times. there are moments that she contradicts herself (especially regarding chronology), but then again, when someone is trying to recount so many things that happened during a period when they were mentally unwell, how much accuracy can be expected? i guess i would just hope that the editor would catch those things and the author could adjust it accordingly.

i guess i've read enough about self-injury and stuff like that by now, that her descriptions didn't really get to me too much. i know a lot of people would be bothered by the talk of blood and the graphic nature of her explanations (though they could be much worse). and for anyone who self-injures, the book could be quite triggering. so i guess i could only recommend it to those who don't self-injure but might want to understand what one individual's experience with self-injury was like.

i found it surprising that it took her until therapy in her 30's to start to understand what lay beneath the cutting, what her triggers were, and what feelings and thoughts were associated with it. i've known (and known of) teenagers who were aware of at least some of those things. she honestly didn't seem to have any clue about it any of it up until the very end of the book.

the book ended nicely, with her discovering cbt (cognitive-behavioral therapy), and thus learning to pinpoint the thoughts that led to the feelings that lead to the images of and desires to self-injure. in learning that, she was able to change some of her thinking patterns, thus gaining control of her emotional states, and decreasing the urges to self-injure. so the nice ending was good, because i think it can give cutters, and others who self-injure, a bit of hope, that there can be a way out.

my concern with such a nice ending is that it seemed a little too neat. Leatham has now gone about a decade without cutting, and that's wonderful. but there wasn't much thought given that to how it may be for her in the future when she's in times of great stress or deeply depressed. it seems to me that a lot of self-injurers can come to a point where they stop the behavior for some time, and where they can even lessen, control, or even eliminate the thoughts to hurt themselves. but i have a hard time considering that to be a cure. it seems that there is a need to be aware that those urges can return and that future intervention may still be necessary.

at least she spent some time at the end of the book talking about some of the positive changes she'd made (besides the thinking patterns she changed through cbt, she also improved her support network, giving her a place to fall back on), some that will - hopefully - give her the ability to avoid the deepest depressions and, if not, to have the means to get better more easily.

so i guess i left this book with mixed feelings. impressed, because it's a difficult subject to write about, and even more difficult when describing personal experiences with such a taboo subject. yet concerned, that some may read it and think that self-injury is an easy thing to stop or that it may trigger some self-injurers (or even make them feel that what they've done to hurt themselves hasn't been enough and they have to cut more, or deeper, or find a different object to hurt themselves with). and hopeful, that having still another book on the market about this subject will help move this topic out of the shadows so that those who struggle with this can get the help they need.

i'll try to post later with a little info about self-injury (stats, suggested treatment, suspected causes, etc.).