shopping for the future

i think i've taken too much to seeing my life as a shopping excursion (not that i particularly care for shopping). each day, i glance around, looking at all the options and seeing each one as perfectly reasonable. in trying to make plans for the future, i act as if i've waltzed right into a department store (when was the last time i went in one of those?) and i proceed to grab a few items from each department, as mismatched as they may be. the next thing i know, i've got my arms full, i've gone way over budget, most of the stuff isn't what i need, and now i can't figure out what to do with it all.

just as i want to have all those things as i walk through the store, i look at my life and i find myself unsettled, always wanting more.

so i try to remain in the dialectic, realizing that there is always a certain unsettled-ness in this world because we are aliens and strangers, we were not meant to live in this fallen state, but on the other hand, i know that i need to be grateful for what i have and learn to make my life an acceptable offering to God.

instead though, i allow my unsettled-ness to whirl around my insecurities, my fears, my desires, my fantasies; and i forget about God, and focus on simply making myself acceptable, while craving so much more than is necessary for me.

oh, if only i could win the lottery. . .

what would that solve though? i would still always want more. we humans are insatiable creatures that way.

i just need my master's degree, then i'll feel accomplished. . .

why should a piece of paper determine anything about me? am i so convinced that without it i will simply be a failure?

i need things to go my way, and i want it now. . .

haven't i learned by now that God's ways aren't my ways, and that his tend to be better anyhow?

i'm pretty sure there's a verse in the Bible somewhere that says that i plan my steps, and then God laughs.

when will i learn that i can't have everything? i already have so much of what matters most, and so much more that i don't need at all. when will i learn that although the future always holds so many options, there is only so much that i can do, or that i need to do. when will i learn to see my options with a little more realism, so i don't walk around the store with too many mismatched things in my hand, going over budget, and simply cluttering up my life?